Sta.sh
Mmmm...I taste you in this fine wine,
with hints of the same fine line
I must walk with care.
Be it hand in hand or glass in hand,
either way knowing where I stand
along this path.
My fingers graze your rounded lip,
thirsting for a quenching sip
of rich complexity.
All once so tightly sealed within,
gradually begins to open,
releasing beautifully.
Holding strong on delicate limbs,
balanced and full, despite our whims;
or because of them.
Each delectable, intricate flavor
is given pause to be savored
in a timeless moment.
So deliciously bold, ripe and earthy;
yet playfully coy, cloaked in subtlety
and seasoned intensity.
We swirl in a tantalizing dance
of contrast and complements
to a silent song.
Yielding to all that music brings,
just as Winter turns to Spring,
like a snowflake on my tongue.
I, like the hollow in a tree,
do warmly welcome you in me,
together finding peace.
Should there still be a question of time,
then in the hallowed oak we'll find,
a place to rest and grow.
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You play that "fine line" in your fingertips.
Prettyflour here on behalf of
That title is so apt for this poem, you give us a taste that on the surface feels like wine but goes deeper. It made me realize how much the complexity of a relationship is so similar to what some might find in a glass of wine. For me, the creativity you used to make these comparisons are just wonderful.
I also like that this poem has a sensuality to it but it's not overtly sexual. The way you mention lips, the Mmmmm, and tantalizing dance give just a taste (pun intended. *grins*) of eroticism.
Overall, a very original original poem, which I think will leave a lasting impact on readers. I enjoyed it very much and it makes me want to read more of your work. I hope this was helpful and if want to discuss, feel free to reply.
Thanks and have a great day!
This is a very original poem. The use of wine to describe the person you love is... subtle, but... suggestive... The imagery is sweet, but I couldn't help but wonder how much that person means to you.
The use of three line stanzas with a couplet for the first two lines of each stanza, was also something rare. I wasn't expecting that.
grammatically and in terms of punctuation, it is correct. So there is nothing to improve there.
Overall, I think you've done a good job here. Keep at it.
Vision: 5/5
I enjoyed this poem and it's comparison between that of a love and wine. Perhaps even implying that wine is the love. It would be for me anyway! Fantastic subject matter, and a very interesting comparison. Which held true throughout the piece.
Originality: 5/5
This goes hand in hand with the above statement. The comparison you made is especially what gives you such a high rating in this regard. I have never exactly seen such a comparison before. Not even accidentally.
Technique: 5/5
I like the way you organized your stanzas in this piece. You kept them brief and because of that you avoid overwhelming the reader with a wall of text.
Impact: 4/5
The rating here is lower because I didn't personally feel any deep emotion from this piece, and I really wanted to. This rating however is based only on my personal feelings, and does not reflect your ability as a writer. Besides, 4/5... still great if you ask me!
Well done!